Week 6 (ish)

Confessions of a Karaoke Diva

I'm no stranger to karaoke. That should not come as a big surprise to anyone. I've been known to sing all sorts of crazy songs, from It Takes Two by Rob Base to Music Of The Night from Phantom Of The Opera to Crazy Train by Ozzy and Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson. I like to cover it all. I've been known to seek out karaoke basically everywhere I go. On a cruise ship. In Key West. In Germany. Even places as far away and exotic as Schenectady or Troy, NY. I have been making appearances at all sorts of karaoke bars for over 20 years! My first time? On a ski trip with my Army unit in Germany. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". The cherry was broken and the rest was history.

There is an incredibly deep karaoke community all across Long Island. I'm pretty sure it has a great deal to do with our proximity to NYC and all of the fabulous community theatres out here, bursting with hundreds of amazingly talented singers just waiting for their big break on Broadway! What do you do in between shows or after rehearsal when you need a singing fix?  Karaoke! Need to practice a song for an upcoming audition? Why not test it out in front of a bunch of drunk people first? If you screw up, they'll never know AND they'll love you anyway!

When I first moved to this area, I used to go out singing with a few friends several times a week. I was not good at all. My nerves and insecurities took over. Eventually, I learned that it was all OK. I could study music seriously during the day and then play around at night. I learned a lot about my voice as a result. I tried out all sorts of styles and genres (see: paragraph 1). My friends (also singers studying music) and I would go everywhere. We would especially migrate to those places where we'd be able to sing more than one song a night. There were a few really hot karaoke bars that "everyone" went to for one reason or another, but you were lucky if you got one song in over the course of 3 or 4 hours. Way too crowded for my blood. We'd also go to places where we liked the KJ (that's karaoke speak for "DJ"). That's a huge part of the experience. It can change the entire vibe of an evening. We'd also want to find a great song list with the newest releases and a great sound system.

I eventually would go to karaoke bars by myself. I did this a few times. I met lots of great people and had some great times! I discovered that there were KJs who had all of their music digitally. That means that every song was stored on a hard drive and just waiting to be retrieved at moment's notice. Prior to this, KJs had to lug around boxes and boxes of 100s, even 1,000s of CDs. They would have to physically look through each CD to find the requested song. This took time. And time is precious. Having everything digital meant you could search for songs as you search for any other file on your computer, and press play. More songs faster. Heaven. I'm in heaven...

Then factor in a sound system with EQ and floor monitors so you can hear yourself, wireless microphones, and a KJ that actually interacts with singers and the audience, and in general makes it a fun night all around. This is the ideal. This is what it should be. Lots of songs. Lots of singers. Lots of fun. No dead air. God. Please, no dead air! Unless, of course, you're tyring to ruin whatever good mood or kill whatever buzz your audience had started and are trying to make them as awkwardly uncomfortable as possible. If that's the case, then by all means, do you best John Cage impression. Have at it. But don't be surprised when people don't back.

I found those people; a group of KJs that fit that description. They care about the music, the singers, the overall environment they are creating. They care about the sound, the actual performing area (things like where the singer should stand to make it most "show like"), and whether or not people are having a great time. I'm proud to say that these people became my friends.

Here's the problem. I can't deal with anything less. I just can't. I've tried. Lord knows.

I once went to a bar that was split in 2 sections; the bar area was in front, when you first walked in with a dinner area in the back. The areas were separated by a wall that had a large archway cut out through the middle. There were a couple of steps to get up into the dinner area. This night, the dining area was not being used, only the bar. The KJ set up his equipment so that he was in the dining area, looking through the archway into the bar. The whole place was small, so at first, this seemed like a pretty good solution for the space. So, what's the problem? He had everything positioned in such a way that singer was forced to stand directly behind a 2 foot-wide column between the archway and the open steps that lead into the area, completely preventing them from looking at or being seen by anyone else in the bar. In the complete dark except for the glowing of the words on the screen. What's the point???

On the earlier mentioned cruise, the song choice was dismal. This was a major cruise line with a karaoke bar that was active every night of the week. Let me repeat that. There was a bar that was entirely dedicated to karaoke, every single day of the week. They even had a contest whereby the winner would perform on the main stage as part of a bigger show. So, it was kind of a big deal the karaoke. For months (could it have been years?) prior, I had been singing any number of songs that they just simply did not have. None of them. I had to dig into my 3rd back up twice removed songs. UGH! (I came in second place in the contest, by the way. It came down to me and another lady singing "Respect" by Aretha Franklin. We even had to have a sing off to break the tie. But she won, and I'm OK with that. Otherwise, I would have been so completely preoccupied with getting ready for the big show that I might not have enjoyed the rest of my vacation.)

Key West is a town that seems to be virtually built on karaoke bars. They're everywhere. I think I even remember one being 24 hours. That's just too damn much. I mean I love to sing and all, but I'd have to just start going alphabetically through the song book at some point to keep myself interested. And again, the song choice was dismal. At every single place I went to. I couldn't understand it.

Then there are the places where the KJ is completely clueless about everything that is going on around them. Wait 5 minutes in between songs, saying nothing, while you figure out how to connect an audio cable properly or the meaning of life or whatever? Yeah, sure. Forget to give the singer a microphone and walk away, never to make eye contact again, only to eventually pass her the mike when she beckons for it across the room and have it be turned off so she misses the entire beginning of the song and then don't bother to let her start over? No problem. Actively download/rip/pirate songs after the singers have requested them, slowing down your entire computer and the singer progression? I do it all the time. Turn your back away from the audience and only address any meager comments you have to the people that working with you? That's about right. Completely ignore the lady singing who clearly needs help understanding the concept of waiting until the words on the screen change color before starting to sing, therefore causing her to repeatedly start singing the moment new words pop on the screen, and then sing them again and again, until the color finally changes and the next frame pops up? What the hell? (PS: This was all true and was witnessed at ONE karaoke show, in the span of 2 hours.) This, my friends, is completely egregious and unacceptable.

Whenever anything labels itself as the "best of...", it's almost always a sign that it isn't. (The lady doth protest too much and all that). So, it shouldn't really be a surprise when a bar that is billed and even named by a 3rd party, "best karaoke bar in town", in fact, is not. This one started off with some high marks. Karaoke 7 nights a week. Awesome! Their song list was posted on their web site, and you can search for songs and print labels ahead of time. Ooh! Hi-tech. Sounds promising! But, alas.... Search for a song that's been available for over 4 months at several other places. Nothing found. Search for an artist with a variety of songs that have also been available for over 4 months. Nothing found. Uh oh. OK. It's not the end all, be all. Maybe they just haven't updated the database. It can happen. But, it didn't get any better in the printed song books. Pages were falling out and backwards and upside down and out of order. And the songs were still not available. There was no formal KJ, but that's OK. Some places do that. Instead, the bartender took my song slip. Singer. Singer. Singer. Then, a KJ did show up to kick off the "official" start to the night. Singer after singer after singer. No me. You know a sound system is less than ideal when your friend with chronic sinus-related hearing issues points out how horrible it is. Can a speaker get some high-end up in here? Singer for the second time after singer for the second time. No me.

This is when the "diva" in me kicks in. Just a little, though. The guy who took my song slip never checked in with me. He barely even asked if I wanted a second drink or even looked our way at all, so I shouldn't have expected much. And, I won't ask the KJ when I'm singing or anything like that. It's just rude and goes against one of the most basic etiquette rules. So, what's a girl to do who chose a song she didn't really want to sing because the one she wanted wasn't available, the sound system is struggling to breath under water, the KJ and the bartender show her and her friend no interest, and more and more people are showing up and singing before her? Leave. That's what she does. Is that a diva? Probably, and I think I'm OK with that.

Is it too much to ask for fun, thoughtful KJs, lots of songs quickly, and rich sound? I don't think so. That's kind of your job after all. So, get it right wannabe KJs. Get it right.