2015. Week 3.

(part 2 of Untitled  AKA "A Web of Lines" AKA "Single at 42")


So, an interesting thing happens when you create a profile for any of these sites. You learn a lot about yourself. Most of the questions they ask are pretty much the same across the board, so once you’ve completed one profile, you’ve got a good idea for what the others will ask, more or less.  (eHarmony is whole other story. More on that later.) They are chock fill of some incredibly superficial questions that you didn’t think were important to you before they asked as well as the occasional probing one. Career? They will sometimes even ask the range of income.  I guess this is important if you want to stay within your own social class OR if you want to dig a little gold. Pets?  It’s a simple question on the surface, but can say so much about a person. Smoker? Drinker? Drug user? Yes, they ask this. I’m still not sure who is actually saying yes to that. Keep in mind that in 1997(ish) no drugs were legal to take. It wasn’t like nowadays when it’s a virtual marijuana free for all. (side note: I’m totally note judging. I think it should be legal.) Children? Relationship status? They even offer a choice for “married”. On dating sites. Again, who would choose that? If you were out to get a little something on the side, I doubt very much that you’d be that honest in describing yourself. Height? A man will always say he is at least an inch taller than he actually is. Maybe he thinks it’s the measurement when he’s wearing shoes? Weight? This is usually phrased something like “body type”. Women will always say they are slimmer or shapelier than they are. It’s probably the shape they are when wearing Spanx. Hair color? This is one of those like on the driver’s license. My natural hair color or the color I have today? As for me, I change it so often enough that I think “rainbow” might be the appropriate choice.

You are always asked, “Where would you go on a your first date?” This is supposed to give people some idea of the type of person you are. The reality is that most of us say the exact same things. There are a few variations - coffee, somewhere we can talk, it’s up to the date, but basically every person with a dating profile has something along those lines. If they have something more, they are lying. No one, and I mean absolutely NO ONE is actually going to take you to that really cool flying trapeze place on the first date. Who wants to invest that much money and time in someone they will most likely not like?

There’s a section for you to describe yourself. Have you ever tried to do this? Go ahead. Give it a whirl. I’ll wait……. Fun, isn’t it? Good luck finding that perfect balance between selling the best aspects of yourself and being humble, being witty, but too clever, detailed but not long winded. It’s virtually impossible task for me. And I’m a writer! I can only imagine some poor guy (or gal) logging on for the first time and getting to that section. “Shit. Now what? Well. I like football. I’ll put that. I’m sure she’ll love it. I like to workout. Yep. That’s going in. Cars and the outdoors. Check and check.” Now, there are a number of men who do not indulge in these stereotypical activities, or at least they know better than do use them as a way of attracting women. They are some men who will say what they think women want to hear. The problem with that is they must’ve gotten their information from some 1950 manual on dating. “I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and foot rubs.” First of all, I don’t believe you. Second of all, I DON’T believe you. Then there are those who think they need to write about every single like and dislike, thought and opinion, along with a full life history. I’m not reading that. Sorry. Get on with it. I’ve got dozens of other profiles to read, and I bet they won’t waste my time with all these details. I imagine men find the same things to be true about women. I’m sure we’re all really down to earth, love shopping, and hanging with our girlfriends.

You are also asked to describe what you’re looking for in a person. That’s a tough one, too. We want what we want, but there is usually some wiggle room. I don’t have a check list. You don’t have to qualify for me like you would for a job position. I’m perfectly OK if my boyfriend doesn’t fit all of the things I’m looking for. Just a few key aspects would be nice. But, as soon as I write my Christmas list of characteristics, whoever reads it will most certainly not fit within at least one of my parameters and head for the hills. We could’ve been soul mates! Now we’ll never know. Don’t get me wrong. I completely oblige this aspect of the profile, but it doesn’t include a traditional list.

Here’s something that you may not think should be difficult. Picking a screen name. With this, you are basically challenged to come up with a title for you and the story of your life, your love life, and your expectations. It’s hard, dammit. That’s why many people just default to their names and their year of birth. Especially guys that were born in 1969 for some reason, though I can’t quite put my finger on it. Ooh. It’s right on the tip of my tongue. I get myself into trouble because I tend to use a name that is something along the lines of “alwaysingin” or “sings for you” or something like that. Ya see, I’m a singer just in case you hadn’t figured that out. But then what happens is the inevitable, “Would you sing for?” Maybe. The answer is going to be maybe every time because I just don’t know yet. I just don’t know and stop pressuring me.