Week 6 (ish)

Confessions of a Karaoke Diva

I'm no stranger to karaoke. That should not come as a big surprise to anyone. I've been known to sing all sorts of crazy songs, from It Takes Two by Rob Base to Music Of The Night from Phantom Of The Opera to Crazy Train by Ozzy and Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson. I like to cover it all. I've been known to seek out karaoke basically everywhere I go. On a cruise ship. In Key West. In Germany. Even places as far away and exotic as Schenectady or Troy, NY. I have been making appearances at all sorts of karaoke bars for over 20 years! My first time? On a ski trip with my Army unit in Germany. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". The cherry was broken and the rest was history.

There is an incredibly deep karaoke community all across Long Island. I'm pretty sure it has a great deal to do with our proximity to NYC and all of the fabulous community theatres out here, bursting with hundreds of amazingly talented singers just waiting for their big break on Broadway! What do you do in between shows or after rehearsal when you need a singing fix?  Karaoke! Need to practice a song for an upcoming audition? Why not test it out in front of a bunch of drunk people first? If you screw up, they'll never know AND they'll love you anyway!

When I first moved to this area, I used to go out singing with a few friends several times a week. I was not good at all. My nerves and insecurities took over. Eventually, I learned that it was all OK. I could study music seriously during the day and then play around at night. I learned a lot about my voice as a result. I tried out all sorts of styles and genres (see: paragraph 1). My friends (also singers studying music) and I would go everywhere. We would especially migrate to those places where we'd be able to sing more than one song a night. There were a few really hot karaoke bars that "everyone" went to for one reason or another, but you were lucky if you got one song in over the course of 3 or 4 hours. Way too crowded for my blood. We'd also go to places where we liked the KJ (that's karaoke speak for "DJ"). That's a huge part of the experience. It can change the entire vibe of an evening. We'd also want to find a great song list with the newest releases and a great sound system.

I eventually would go to karaoke bars by myself. I did this a few times. I met lots of great people and had some great times! I discovered that there were KJs who had all of their music digitally. That means that every song was stored on a hard drive and just waiting to be retrieved at moment's notice. Prior to this, KJs had to lug around boxes and boxes of 100s, even 1,000s of CDs. They would have to physically look through each CD to find the requested song. This took time. And time is precious. Having everything digital meant you could search for songs as you search for any other file on your computer, and press play. More songs faster. Heaven. I'm in heaven...

Then factor in a sound system with EQ and floor monitors so you can hear yourself, wireless microphones, and a KJ that actually interacts with singers and the audience, and in general makes it a fun night all around. This is the ideal. This is what it should be. Lots of songs. Lots of singers. Lots of fun. No dead air. God. Please, no dead air! Unless, of course, you're tyring to ruin whatever good mood or kill whatever buzz your audience had started and are trying to make them as awkwardly uncomfortable as possible. If that's the case, then by all means, do you best John Cage impression. Have at it. But don't be surprised when people don't back.

I found those people; a group of KJs that fit that description. They care about the music, the singers, the overall environment they are creating. They care about the sound, the actual performing area (things like where the singer should stand to make it most "show like"), and whether or not people are having a great time. I'm proud to say that these people became my friends.

Here's the problem. I can't deal with anything less. I just can't. I've tried. Lord knows.

I once went to a bar that was split in 2 sections; the bar area was in front, when you first walked in with a dinner area in the back. The areas were separated by a wall that had a large archway cut out through the middle. There were a couple of steps to get up into the dinner area. This night, the dining area was not being used, only the bar. The KJ set up his equipment so that he was in the dining area, looking through the archway into the bar. The whole place was small, so at first, this seemed like a pretty good solution for the space. So, what's the problem? He had everything positioned in such a way that singer was forced to stand directly behind a 2 foot-wide column between the archway and the open steps that lead into the area, completely preventing them from looking at or being seen by anyone else in the bar. In the complete dark except for the glowing of the words on the screen. What's the point???

On the earlier mentioned cruise, the song choice was dismal. This was a major cruise line with a karaoke bar that was active every night of the week. Let me repeat that. There was a bar that was entirely dedicated to karaoke, every single day of the week. They even had a contest whereby the winner would perform on the main stage as part of a bigger show. So, it was kind of a big deal the karaoke. For months (could it have been years?) prior, I had been singing any number of songs that they just simply did not have. None of them. I had to dig into my 3rd back up twice removed songs. UGH! (I came in second place in the contest, by the way. It came down to me and another lady singing "Respect" by Aretha Franklin. We even had to have a sing off to break the tie. But she won, and I'm OK with that. Otherwise, I would have been so completely preoccupied with getting ready for the big show that I might not have enjoyed the rest of my vacation.)

Key West is a town that seems to be virtually built on karaoke bars. They're everywhere. I think I even remember one being 24 hours. That's just too damn much. I mean I love to sing and all, but I'd have to just start going alphabetically through the song book at some point to keep myself interested. And again, the song choice was dismal. At every single place I went to. I couldn't understand it.

Then there are the places where the KJ is completely clueless about everything that is going on around them. Wait 5 minutes in between songs, saying nothing, while you figure out how to connect an audio cable properly or the meaning of life or whatever? Yeah, sure. Forget to give the singer a microphone and walk away, never to make eye contact again, only to eventually pass her the mike when she beckons for it across the room and have it be turned off so she misses the entire beginning of the song and then don't bother to let her start over? No problem. Actively download/rip/pirate songs after the singers have requested them, slowing down your entire computer and the singer progression? I do it all the time. Turn your back away from the audience and only address any meager comments you have to the people that working with you? That's about right. Completely ignore the lady singing who clearly needs help understanding the concept of waiting until the words on the screen change color before starting to sing, therefore causing her to repeatedly start singing the moment new words pop on the screen, and then sing them again and again, until the color finally changes and the next frame pops up? What the hell? (PS: This was all true and was witnessed at ONE karaoke show, in the span of 2 hours.) This, my friends, is completely egregious and unacceptable.

Whenever anything labels itself as the "best of...", it's almost always a sign that it isn't. (The lady doth protest too much and all that). So, it shouldn't really be a surprise when a bar that is billed and even named by a 3rd party, "best karaoke bar in town", in fact, is not. This one started off with some high marks. Karaoke 7 nights a week. Awesome! Their song list was posted on their web site, and you can search for songs and print labels ahead of time. Ooh! Hi-tech. Sounds promising! But, alas.... Search for a song that's been available for over 4 months at several other places. Nothing found. Search for an artist with a variety of songs that have also been available for over 4 months. Nothing found. Uh oh. OK. It's not the end all, be all. Maybe they just haven't updated the database. It can happen. But, it didn't get any better in the printed song books. Pages were falling out and backwards and upside down and out of order. And the songs were still not available. There was no formal KJ, but that's OK. Some places do that. Instead, the bartender took my song slip. Singer. Singer. Singer. Then, a KJ did show up to kick off the "official" start to the night. Singer after singer after singer. No me. You know a sound system is less than ideal when your friend with chronic sinus-related hearing issues points out how horrible it is. Can a speaker get some high-end up in here? Singer for the second time after singer for the second time. No me.

This is when the "diva" in me kicks in. Just a little, though. The guy who took my song slip never checked in with me. He barely even asked if I wanted a second drink or even looked our way at all, so I shouldn't have expected much. And, I won't ask the KJ when I'm singing or anything like that. It's just rude and goes against one of the most basic etiquette rules. So, what's a girl to do who chose a song she didn't really want to sing because the one she wanted wasn't available, the sound system is struggling to breath under water, the KJ and the bartender show her and her friend no interest, and more and more people are showing up and singing before her? Leave. That's what she does. Is that a diva? Probably, and I think I'm OK with that.

Is it too much to ask for fun, thoughtful KJs, lots of songs quickly, and rich sound? I don't think so. That's kind of your job after all. So, get it right wannabe KJs. Get it right.

2015. Week 5.

I'd like to go back to a little poetry this week. The movie "American Sniper" got me thinking about my own military training and the harsh reality of what that training was actually meant for.

I have unearthed many things about myself as a result of this writing project. Not the least of which is how impacted I was by my short time in the service. I was active for 2 years and in the reserves for about 5 years. My job was Quartermaster - supply. I worked in the motor pool, the unit supply room and ultimately the armory. I did not see combat, although I did serve overseas during Desert Storm. I have been out of the service for over 15 years at this point. Yet, it still continues to effect and influence me to this very day.

I can only begin to imagine how those soldiers that do go to hostile territories and see things the rest of us only have nightmares about are impacted. 



Trained Killer

I am a trained killer.
Do not be fooled by my kind exterior,
my inappropriate, uncomfortable giggles,
my oft-shy expression or
my lighthearted appearance.

I am a trained killer.
A rifle was place in my hands.
I was shown how to clean it,
how to disassemble it,
how to lay out the pieces
...the firing pin, the bolt, the muzzle, the grip...
in such a way
they are quickly found
and put back together
when needed.

I am a trained killer.
I was taught how to carry that rifle,
how to not carry it,
how to march with it,
how to stand with it,
...at ease, at parade rest, at attention...
how to sleep with it.

I am a trained killer.
A rifle was placed in my hands.
I was taught how to shoot it,
how to aim,
how to adjust the sites to account for
...windage, angle, barrel, astigmatism...
how to breathe,
how to find that natural pause in between breaths,
how to fire.

I am a trained killer.
I once carried a rifle for my country.
I was prepared to take a life.
I was prepared to give mine.

2015. Week 4.

(part 3 of Untitled  AKA "A Web of Lines" AKA "Single at 42")


User name established. Profile complete with the most attractive aspects of your personality. Perfect man described. What else could there possibly be in getting this thing rolling?  The pictures. Yet another test of your confidence and/or ego and/or insecurity. It must be done. But what image do you choose? If you care at all, this too can be debilitating. You want to put your best foot forward, so you scour through hundreds of digital folders looking for just the right one. It has to be just the right angle (god forbid that double chin shows).  It really should be recent. And by recent, I mean anytime with the last year, not in the last decade. If you don’t think people change that much in 10 years, go on a date with someone who posted that great shot of them in Cancun for spring break only to find out that spring break was in 1990 and that those sexy blond highlights have given way to nature’s highlights - grey. It’s not a bad thing, per se, but is certainly a bait and switch. Ideally, you should use more than one photo, showing different aspects of your personality, life or interests. A mailing one and a serious. You really want to give you potential the mate the full gambit of you.

I tend to have more shots where I’m serious. It’s for no other reason that that aforementioned double chin (which I have pretty much always had, by the way). When I smile in photos, it becomes the photo. Who cares about how great my hair looks or if my make-up was spot on or if my skin looks great? None of that matters in the face (pun intended) of that stupid double chin. Yes, it's completely vain, and I'm completely aware. But, best foot forward and all that. I do have one smiling photo up at all times, though. You know, it’s protocol. Inevitably, someone does comment on the serious photos, “Why so sad?”  Maybe because I have to deal with people asking me ridiculous questions like “Why so sad?” all the time in my hunt for my forever love. Maybe that’s it, but I’m just stabbing in the dark here. I'm not sad, I'm just not smiling. Am I supposed to walk around grinning like a Cheshire cat 24 hours a day so people don't think Im sad?

You may have noticed that I said, “If you care” earlier. That was quite on purpose. There seem to be quite a few men out there who think that any old photo is a good enough photo. That picture of you with your ex-girlfriend/wife? Not cool. The one with you half naked? No one wants to see that. The one of you in your  raggedy 20 year old sweats? Um. No thanks. The one with you in you tube socks and sandals with your elderly mom sitting around a camp fire drinking brews and roasting marshmallows. Um. Quadruple no. (that was completely, 100%, honest to goodness, real photos that someone posted. I’ll say he left an impression since I have yet to be able to wipe that disaster area from my memory.) You in the pimp outfit and it isn’t Halloween? No. But I am curious to hear how yo bitches be frontin’. (another completely real photo. and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a costume. just a mackin’ purple suit with a dope pink hat.)

So, anyway, user name done. Profile done. Photos uploaded. Now we browse. Or we wait. Or we browse while we wait.

2015. Week 3.

(part 2 of Untitled  AKA "A Web of Lines" AKA "Single at 42")


So, an interesting thing happens when you create a profile for any of these sites. You learn a lot about yourself. Most of the questions they ask are pretty much the same across the board, so once you’ve completed one profile, you’ve got a good idea for what the others will ask, more or less.  (eHarmony is whole other story. More on that later.) They are chock fill of some incredibly superficial questions that you didn’t think were important to you before they asked as well as the occasional probing one. Career? They will sometimes even ask the range of income.  I guess this is important if you want to stay within your own social class OR if you want to dig a little gold. Pets?  It’s a simple question on the surface, but can say so much about a person. Smoker? Drinker? Drug user? Yes, they ask this. I’m still not sure who is actually saying yes to that. Keep in mind that in 1997(ish) no drugs were legal to take. It wasn’t like nowadays when it’s a virtual marijuana free for all. (side note: I’m totally note judging. I think it should be legal.) Children? Relationship status? They even offer a choice for “married”. On dating sites. Again, who would choose that? If you were out to get a little something on the side, I doubt very much that you’d be that honest in describing yourself. Height? A man will always say he is at least an inch taller than he actually is. Maybe he thinks it’s the measurement when he’s wearing shoes? Weight? This is usually phrased something like “body type”. Women will always say they are slimmer or shapelier than they are. It’s probably the shape they are when wearing Spanx. Hair color? This is one of those like on the driver’s license. My natural hair color or the color I have today? As for me, I change it so often enough that I think “rainbow” might be the appropriate choice.

You are always asked, “Where would you go on a your first date?” This is supposed to give people some idea of the type of person you are. The reality is that most of us say the exact same things. There are a few variations - coffee, somewhere we can talk, it’s up to the date, but basically every person with a dating profile has something along those lines. If they have something more, they are lying. No one, and I mean absolutely NO ONE is actually going to take you to that really cool flying trapeze place on the first date. Who wants to invest that much money and time in someone they will most likely not like?

There’s a section for you to describe yourself. Have you ever tried to do this? Go ahead. Give it a whirl. I’ll wait……. Fun, isn’t it? Good luck finding that perfect balance between selling the best aspects of yourself and being humble, being witty, but too clever, detailed but not long winded. It’s virtually impossible task for me. And I’m a writer! I can only imagine some poor guy (or gal) logging on for the first time and getting to that section. “Shit. Now what? Well. I like football. I’ll put that. I’m sure she’ll love it. I like to workout. Yep. That’s going in. Cars and the outdoors. Check and check.” Now, there are a number of men who do not indulge in these stereotypical activities, or at least they know better than do use them as a way of attracting women. They are some men who will say what they think women want to hear. The problem with that is they must’ve gotten their information from some 1950 manual on dating. “I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and foot rubs.” First of all, I don’t believe you. Second of all, I DON’T believe you. Then there are those who think they need to write about every single like and dislike, thought and opinion, along with a full life history. I’m not reading that. Sorry. Get on with it. I’ve got dozens of other profiles to read, and I bet they won’t waste my time with all these details. I imagine men find the same things to be true about women. I’m sure we’re all really down to earth, love shopping, and hanging with our girlfriends.

You are also asked to describe what you’re looking for in a person. That’s a tough one, too. We want what we want, but there is usually some wiggle room. I don’t have a check list. You don’t have to qualify for me like you would for a job position. I’m perfectly OK if my boyfriend doesn’t fit all of the things I’m looking for. Just a few key aspects would be nice. But, as soon as I write my Christmas list of characteristics, whoever reads it will most certainly not fit within at least one of my parameters and head for the hills. We could’ve been soul mates! Now we’ll never know. Don’t get me wrong. I completely oblige this aspect of the profile, but it doesn’t include a traditional list.

Here’s something that you may not think should be difficult. Picking a screen name. With this, you are basically challenged to come up with a title for you and the story of your life, your love life, and your expectations. It’s hard, dammit. That’s why many people just default to their names and their year of birth. Especially guys that were born in 1969 for some reason, though I can’t quite put my finger on it. Ooh. It’s right on the tip of my tongue. I get myself into trouble because I tend to use a name that is something along the lines of “alwaysingin” or “sings for you” or something like that. Ya see, I’m a singer just in case you hadn’t figured that out. But then what happens is the inevitable, “Would you sing for?” Maybe. The answer is going to be maybe every time because I just don’t know yet. I just don’t know and stop pressuring me. 

2015. Week 2.

For my second submission of the year, I decided to work on a project that I first had the idea for at least 5 years ago.  This will be an ongoing piece with this the first installment. I hope you enjoy it...


Untitled
(though I'm thinking about "A Web of Lines" or "Single at 42")

I've been dating most of my adult life. There have been a few relationships scattered throughout, but I keep circling back around to (or falling back into) dating. I just have not been able to make it all come together. And I hate it.

Years of showing up to every family functions alone were really taking their toll. At one point, an uncle, with some sort of twisted love I hope, commented, "Still driving by yourself, these days?" Ugh. Yes. Yes I am. Would you like to pour some more salt in that wound? "Will you be having a plus one for my wedding?" No. No I won't. "Is there a Mr. Michelle?" No. No there isn't.

Now, I have met some great guys and have had some lovely experiences, but even those have the have the potential to be painful when there's no connection. Undoubtedly, starting the interaction is the most difficult part. I am cripplingly shy. The more I'm attracted to someone, the more difficult it is for me to talk to them, so meeting someone in the street is generally a problem. Meeting someone in my daily life is just as challenging. I work with the same people every day and have known them for almost 2 decades. If anything was going to happen there, it would've happened a long, long time ago.

I realized that I would need to expand my search for love. But where?

When I was in college, I met all kinds of people. I also happen to be in the Army reserves, working 2 part time jobs and interning at several places. Of course, I was going to meet people! Life after college was an altogether different experience. One job. I left the reserves. No more internships. No more classes. What's a girl to do?

People often suggest to do the things you love and you'll meet people with the same interests. That's true. It's great advice. If you happen to be interested in things that attract men that are interested in woman and aren't married and aren't 20 years older or 20 years younger, it's wonderful advice. But, if you're like me and you happen to be interested in theatre, museums, and any number of other artistic endeavors, it makes it all the more challenging. Not altogether impossible, because it does happen. I've seen it.

What about the supermarket? Has this ever worked for anyone? All I ever find in the store are college students, married guys and groceries. I suppose it depends on where you live. Live in city? This should work. Live in the suburbs? Not so much.

There's my dilemma. Or part of it anyway.

I guess it's online dating for me. It wasn't quite as socially acceptable back then (circa 1997 or so) and it still carried some of the stigma of being the "classifieds". Because only losers and rapists use the classifieds to find dates. That has changed dramatically over the last 10 years. Nowadays, it's not only acceptable, it's almost expected. But in the beginning, the stigma was still there. I logged on nonetheless, forging ahead into the world of losers and rapists. (It was pretty clear what category I was in.) I set up my profile on all sorts of sites - Match.com, Strictly Personals,  and eventually Plenty of Fish and eHarmony (They didn't exist way back when).

Writings of 2015. Week 1.

2015 brings a new writing adventure. I will be exploring longer forms this year. Poetry will still make an appearance,  but not every day as last year. The postings will be weekly. I'm hoping this allows me the opportunity to develop larger works.

Today's piece is in honor of my mother's cat, Jasper. He just passed away today after being ill for a short period of time. It's a sad day.




Dear Jasper,
You were the pleasantest of kitty cats. Your soft fir and loud purr brought so many hours of comfort and joy. Your need to constantly be on my lap was at times bothersome, but will always be missed dearly. My lap will be cold without you.

I will not know how to sit without your head nudging my elbow. I will not know how to lie down without your paws in my face and your whiskers in my nose.

Your bunny-esque waddle with those rabbit’s foot feet was amusing and unique to say the least.  Your ever-fluffy hair, even when matted, was magnificent. I do hope I didn’t upset you when I had you groomed. It simply needed to be done.

You have gone to be with your brother today. Now, you two can cuddle together once more as you always did.

You gave so much more love than can be imagined. I loved you just the same.

Go in peace, dear Jasper. You will be remembered.

Love,
Mom




Michelle L Nielsen
Jan2015